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another solstice

21 juin 2011

almost there
is this just another solstice?

at least significant part of me is dying

You can forget everything about me
yes, your heart is cold, hard as a rock

I am not made of jade
pure virtue can not be reconquered
just dying flesh soon to be dispersed
You are killing me my dear and I love you

I learned in my senses with you that
Love is life divine in the universe
but love denied… is life denied
You are killing me my dear for I love You.

This is the poem I intended to mark this solstice and I prepared few days ago. But I resent this expression figuring exact and total state of my mind and soul. For this is not the case. My feeling and evaluation of my situation is more complex than that. My will and mind more fluid.

So before coming here of exact moment of solstice, at 13h17 Montreal time, I will continue to write here to say more about the moment, perspectives.

I just chatted for more than two hours with friendly and sweet Bo. We are both in difficult, undecided situation concerning love. So we could share many things of sympathy and friendship with great pleasure. I told her about my warm appreciation of writings by Han Suyin, explaining difficulties, nearing impossibility of love between a Chinese side and a « Western » one.

(I don’t feel like a Western man, I feel like myself, and that means, like a unique mix of many things… [just like everybody searching for some more consciousness, just like Sapiens Sapiens, Homo kind, we are all, already mixed of many different contributions] for example Algonquin’s blood from Abitibi, a bit more than 16% in total genome, even in my Caucasian, light skin with blue eyes looking.], but I am a Western man, inside me as well as in the eyes of others to look at me… so I guess there is not so much lying or deceit in my appearance.I confess I don’t care much about such thing, I prefer to look over some depth in thought.)

Impossibility and yet necessity of love between those two sides, so distant in cultural heritage that makes very difficult to comprehend, but two major pieces of work in reconciliation in mankind. Reading two of her best novels, « Until morning comes », and « A many splendoured thing » I was moved all the time and cried a lot.

I will continue with autobiographical work and her splendid book about Zhou EnLai, the revolutionary mandarin… all those title are still more beautiful in French translation than already nice in English original. « Multiple Splendeur », « Jusqu’au matin…« , judge by yourself… Can you imagine how beautiful french is ? But world whirls away and I am still crying.

Though I must admit that this solstice finds me less desperate that the last summer one, mourning process is going on… I must prepare to carry on with next step in my life.

Yes, thanks with some rare but close friends, I am not completely alone. And some hopes are still permitted. Like finding some peace of mind, in a durable place, keeping my heart open to wide vision.

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