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18 juin 2010
solstice this is like daylight wall to wall I have trouble in my soul and my mind isn’t clear as all day some heavy weight has strengthen his fist wrapping around my heart I think that maybe soon I am going to die while it would be so nice to live but with this evading love this love which had my heart broken first serious crack happened at the other solstice winter with long nights those have invaded my heart if sometimes I felt weak I wasn’t so much but felt heavily particularly at that moment with huge solar eclipse sometimes doubting and vacillating but nevertheless encouraged on long longing path for a new life with hope in spring the rite with bloody sacrifice now I am weak and don’t even know how I feel if I survive this solstice I will not erase memories but this mood I must maybe I will try to play this game try to continue with other players the game I could not continue with You but rules will change not only circumstances feelings will change and it will not be the same game at all such was so serious that I almost lost my mind and all my senses when huge knife of jealousy splat my heart in two parts two part to suffer the same pain of this serious injury now I regain my quarters on bicycle here I came in city library to borrow some books and I will drink and I will write pretending to be happy but when I look into mirror I am afraid what I see the face I show by those heavy days full of winds and some rains and often full of sunshine I can’t escape all this light and burning rays Apollo pursue my poor being with his vengeance but for what sin? and this is so hot in my place under the roof when the sun insists so I have to move my sorrow away or starve there if I die please burn me to hashes give it to the wind give it to the river and give my books my wells to the poor for there is a hole in my heart since you are gone would had it be better if I never knew You? this I will never know love is a cruel game and sex folly this day will never end it seems nor my sorrow cao qi a very nice chinese woman tried to explain to me
that we should not aim to possess those angels and keep for ourselves those are helping hands belonging to everybody to admire and praise I will try to help some others chosen beloved just to be good to earn and prepare better karma bo your waves are tentative and need amplified thoughts and cares life goes on not one as we said dissemination but love is not always everywhere and so often denied and hidden shy or dominated alienated angels are for everybody not for me fallen

19.06 since the miserable performance by france the show of football have lost all luster for me this may be good for evolution of little girls but have you seen those men plunging in quest of a free kick generously awarded stumbling and falling just in case having been touched maybe by opponent running for the possession of the ball I am ashamed for them and for referee that too rarely call the fault of plunging because serious intention judgment and should draw the yellow card anyway sun is showing again this morning after nearly shortest night but it will rain tonight storm announced for the end of the day I am supposed to bring bicycle to inspection check-up fine tuning and I would make my friend benson my executor I go to chinalovematch barely now just to see occasional messages or some kiss and I do not answer anymore to standard members my economical impotency leave a sour taste I thought about casting out this whole china affair but as the world whirling can not change this is important cultural adventure plus some mystery exploration not in a hurry tough for those characters 汉字 resisting my dispersed attempts in learning immersion would be the best learning situation intense short period of time with definitive gains for as long as I could dream that time was on my side almost nothing seemed bloody serious after all how could I regain this ingenuity now? if not of course by the virtue of a new love not erasing precedent sheets in the novel of my life but writing new chapters I continue work of mourning in these writings is there a new jacques awaiting at the end of this period? why not? am I not old enough for maturing? as two bad seasons wont erase the good one kept in memories for future purpose not to prevent cleaning the mind for fresh air new tune hearing in good mood new waves discovering like anew another nice being you want absolute love also?! ooh! that would take some time

bathing into sunshine on balcony I watch new buildings in construction where I am going to live next season autumn some of cheerful memories associated with orange yellow colors in my mind and I do not wonder  why just watching the game also orange men netherlands just scored a goal against japanese good defending and acrobatic goalkeeper sneijder in the 53th jean ferrat signing in french nice song of hope in love at the radio « la femme est l’avenir de l’homme » woman is the future of man lyrics goes that way: tout dans le couple va changer d’une manière irréversible le poète a toujours raison qui voit plus loin que l’horizon et le futur est son royaume face aux autres générations je déclare avec aragon la femme est l’avenir de l’homme here simple translation: life in the couple will change for good and definitively poet is always right who sees farther than horizon and future is his kingdom facing other generations I declare with aragon woman is future of man yeah! new life is in order in a new place bringing in old memories but no ancient bad mood there is still enough resources energy and health in me to bring to life new inspiration and better accomplishments I might even take a regular job! zen attitude today everything seems to be going better in full sunny daylight I read sollers le voyageur du temps bernard werber le miroir de cassandre la rencontre roman érotique by françoise rey les boîtes de ma femme by korean author eun hee-kyun

in the afternoon the rain has cleaned the atmosphere bringing fresh air I made me a gorgeous omelet for diner with three eggs sauerkraut spices olive oil milk and cheese I didn’t had breakfast only tea to shake nervous system but soon after dinner I became very tired and sleepy went in bed first listening some radio but soon fell asleep lightly for nearly two hours I went up this morning very early at 5h30 after not enough good sleeping time when awakening this afternoon around 4 I sensed penis half erected just physical  normal reaction fading out and thinking of nobody after few minutes I can think again and read more books so didn’t went to offer my bicycle to inspection searched the internet to see that depopulation in russia amounted to 5 millions less in 2007 compared to 1992 and expected to decline further but slower in coming years under 145 millions for so much land low density heavily polluted though mafias and authoritarian state don’t care about poor people smuggle bad vodka and worst now dropping in population stabilized but this country exporting women can’t regain pride and growth apart from economic so-called profits mainly from oil and natural gas massive human failure this mismanaged turn of events 180 degrees from precedent regime from centralized managed production to fully chaotic liberalized market economy but hungry again at 9 I have to think to prepare supper notwithstanding historical tragedy hitler would have been delighted who tried to reduce this once strong people into slavery but western world should mourn this catastrophe because there will be a price to pay and europe also is weakening now

21.06 thinking further I find now that searching only for perfect love is a grave mistake that prevent success in finding real good love I part once and for all from this mistake now that shows too much pride maybe and I am still very sorry that I can not help some special person I loved so much who seems forever entangled in tragic problems but now I see that standing for absolute is wrong and dangerous for practical means I acknowledge that nothing is perfect on this earth thinking otherwise is dangerous if not foolish I see better now and I will abstain from that kind of mistake in future because actual love needs understanding in depth in human nature and not only and exclusive and grandiose illusions ideal attitude is lethal when pushed to the extreme now my lord God I ask you give me a sweet baby nice girl to love that she could open completely for me that I will be able to understand her very deeply so I could love her with the bottom of my heart and help her in many ways to improve in her shortcomings defects or any weaknesses so I could help her to heal injuries from the past and enhance confidence in herself that we could together foresee better future and she will be truly mine as I will be hers for that to come I thank you God oh! mysterious you said and even kept posted for a long time that this solstice would be surely better than the precedent yes it is better but now just because I escaped your dangerous spell life goes on and sometimes feels like every day is a new life to experience and enjoy in time kingdom of a child!

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