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My Queen

20 avril 2010
My Queen

Those are
difficult times for me. How about you? Lonely I feel deserted by your grace.
Without expressed feeling of love, everything disconnects. Even in myself, it
seems.

 I know I
had not been and irreproachable knight. But nonetheless and with some important
mistakes, I managed to keep my faith in you, to my love directed toward you and
to your wisdom. I think we should not continue to refrain from sweet exchange.

 I love life
so much! But I love you even more. Is this sickness? Are you volunteer to cure
me? You think, maybe, that I made a bundle of all my frustrations, longing,
desires, weaknesses and so on, and projected all this on you. That I barely
know true you, like using you just as a convenient shape or screen for
reflecting my need.

 But I think
this is not so. Sure you managed to remain very mysterious, but still somewhere
I feel like I know you inside very well. Please remember that in another season
we were in almost continuous spontaneous contact, almost every day! I can feel
some part of your being as if I could touch you! You made many other parts to
remain in the dark.

 Still I can
guess some because you are wholesome being, relatively harmonious even with
many problems and after harsh experience and I know mainly what difficult and
sometimes horrible path by which you went through. So you are not for me an
indifferent screen for all projections, whichever sickness you may think I have
in store.

 So strong
contact I felt we had that you became quickly for me the difference in itself.
I know you have the power to decide of my fate. And I submit to your judgment.
I know with some confidence that in the end, and despite some odd mood, moves
and reactions, in the end you will be right and act accordingly.

 I keep
confidence in your wisdom. In a way or another, I feel like in the end
everything will be fine. Maybe not sleeping in the same bed and making lot of
love, we will be happy, each of us, maybe separately… But I feel also I can
help you to be happy. Because maybe I "represent" or concentrate the
opposite trend, the difference you are missing.

 But now I
need a positive sign. You’ve been so elusive that in need for an answer I went
so far as to provoke with inconsiderate expression of anger and despair.
Because all doors I opened you managed to close. Protecting yourself against
establishing what you thought being bad habits, you evaded virtually all the
places and time we would be in connection, the two of us, closely related.

 For
example, last Saturday, I chose my future brand new apartment. It is #711 and I
will give you, if you wish, complete address as soon as I am aware of it, the
building is not finished yet. I see you do not seem to find useful to let me
know your new address.Well, I
tried to cultivate complete openness with you, and in that direction maybe I
got too far. In a very different set of circumstances you chose differently and
remained very discrete as to disclose some important details.

In seeking
understanding, more than approval, complete transparency is difficult task. A
luxury, maybe, that one cannot easily afford. I have been probably too relax at
that, not observing etiquette and gradual approach before going to extreme.
Genuineness and openness can be pushed to extreme, thus creating disgust and
even rejection.

 Alas, this
is done and I still try to cope with ensuing situation. I often cry, and not
only sigh. But maybe I still talk too much. How to know the feelings in your
heart if you would not care to express or communicate to me? We were so happy
sometimes, and not so long ago… but you were always in difficult
circumstances and did not felt free to discuss with me openly.

 I miss very
much closer contact with you. Maybe you can give it some time and care to
express some suggestion in how we could still improve our relationship.

 your devoted
knight
,

Jacques

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