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Facing the rising sun

5 mars 2010
Opened my window and before the rising sun I wrote that :

     My dear, poor little thing, I was not attacking Chinese great culture, I was just questioning some problems you have in this period to try to understand better. So, I thank you very much for your reply, interesting answer. But how did you react? See, you are not just complex (complicated and sophisticated) my dear, but you are also confused.

     Here you choose an attitude of imperial arrogance, proud of your strength given by big numbers, but another time, last autumn, you were pessimistic about state of affairs and arts and culture in your great country while I was cheering up! Also I posted here text of conference by Han Han showing why artists and writers are not permitted to blossom at higher degree of achievement, but you wouldn’t comment on that.

     Writings by Dostoevsky were very close to Russian spoken language, but this was meanings conveyed, showing insights, poignant dialogues and grandiose construction following his vision that made the grade. Gao Xingjian tried something like that in his Mountain of the soul. You read this in your characters: as he attained artistic success? From French translation I read, I would say : yes, more than half. But less than 80%. Yet, the part were they finally found this savage man hiding in the mountain was hilarious: this is good, because humorous, indirect and subtle, criticism for no freedom nowhere.

But freedom is measured for the task to invent something new, to create and suggest solutions, practical and ideal. And hypnotized with backward attention, you fear that very much. Anyway, everybody, everywhere, people are afraid of own freedom. Too difficult task, heavy responsibility. This is very easy to understand.

Thanks for your precious and elaborate answer. You wrote (I just correct hasty mistakes) in your afternoon, my last night at 2 am. :

Everyday I talk with my friends, Chinese intellectuals, those are living in
America, Germany and France, through emails, sometimes delivered between three or four friends, and we reply one after another. We
never have any difficulty for understanding  we do not need to write many
words, most of the time, only one or two sentence suffice, comments are full of
wisdom and humor. Yes, these kinds of humor make us laugh and relax, but
just Chinese can feel the humor, because for that we need the ability of
understanding which come from the knowledge, experience and a lot of stories
about culture, history and our past life, all references we share because have in common.

We all enjoy such
communication very much. I never think I need look for any foreigner
for understand each other deeply. That is impossible.Yes, I have some
foreign friends, in Beijing and in America, just for simple and happy
relationship.When I went to internet looking for LOVER (now I understand
it is not a right way), I thought about just looking for my soulmate, and
in my opinion, the same soul have no national boundaries, they can
recognize very easy, they need just simple words, one or two times talk to each
other.

(I told you that, I am very sorry to find that I always need to
repeat my principles and opinions again and again, but you never care and
understand that…), because I know and see very clearly that if explain
become necessary, that means love is impossible, I remember I told you
this too.That is why I don’t like to reply to your comments. Because I have no
interest in your comments that take me so far away from my true meaning. All
of your comments are full of misunderstandings! How can I correct them? That would
need too much explanations and I have no time to do that job. I didn’t went to AFF to look  for somebody to argument and discuss about culture and
political events, I will never be in need for that.

I have been being a journalist and editor
for more than twenty years as well as an intellectual keeping a liberal
stand all the time. So I have enough friends and a lot of social activities to
discuss culture and political with other people.Why would I need discuss such
heavy topic between love relationship? Even in friendship, we prefer
enjoying the same interests and activities than discuss such topics. Because
in friendship between me and my close friends, we have the same values
and stand is the premises. So when we are together we just enjoy life and
share joy, talk about some happy topic.

Another thing I want to tell
you is that, in fact, I can’t understand your way for pursuit love. Do you
think that criticize is a good way to attract woman? Or do you think I
will fall in love with you because your criticism for my life style and
thinking style. Especially when your criticism is just founded on the basis of
misunderstandings. (I always feel such criticism are like comments as to "why rose
is not like lily?",  and "why salt taste not sweet?" So it makes me not knowing how
to answer!) Is this your value [view] about love? If it is, just like I told you
before, we are so different in a lot of aspects! Love can not grow up
between two persons when they have so complete different values about love. Love is warm between two hearts, love is harmony between two
souls……..

Maybe just as a friend, sometimes, when I have free time, I will write or discuss some article with you. But if you think about
developing a love relationship, I think your practice until now is not going
on the right path. I am very sorry for that.
 

 This sunny Sunday afternoon Marsh 7th, I reply that :

 
Yes, thank you for this patience you had to take all this time  to explain to me the truth. I thank you from deep in my heart. You are an angel.   Angel is from ancient Greek meaning "Messenger". Evangeles means "good news". Note that I didn’t said "my angel" because I realize you can be an angel for a lot of people. C’est une véritable mise-au-point (exact focus). This explanation seems to me complete and clear. Now, how could I have guessed all that? This reminds me this story about an elephant in the dark. The first man says "This is a pilar". "No", says the other, "this is a snake". And so on… But this is a big living being, with diverse aspects and unpredictable moves. And elephants are worshiped by Hindus, seen like temple of wisdom, some portrayed like avatars of Vishnu, the Creator : Ganesha… but you know all that.

Now I think I see better the clear picture of this world in which we tried to relate. We almost touched real fusion sometimes. That was great! As if we had eaten all pleasure in our relationship from  the beginning. And this kind of spring had to be followed by a sorrowful winter, like counter-clock wise. This is a pity, I find…

Appealing to criticism was just desperate measures.  Because I knew you are a woman of principles and that you will try almost always, after a moment for thinking, without bad faith, to reach a balanced attitude and also try to be just. So I knew you were at least to listen at my requests, analysis, even accusations and try fairly to evaluate all that. Yes, only desperate measures after feeling like fallen from heavens. My worst fear was to experience complete rejection from you. I am not sure I would be able to survive that. But the fact is that I do not know how to express my love  by talking and speeches. I feel now like I do not deserve your love, I do not fully deserve that you completely love me. This is easy to see and not so hard to admit after some time to adjust perceptions. What can I say? From my side of things, I can just continue to testify that I can not stop aiming toward you.

But as you said once (wrote here) quoting Confucius : "Here, a gentleman would rather act decisively than talk much." That was then very good advice and still is. And you were always right. I see now better. And I thank you again for elaborate clear explanations. This time and effort was not in vain : because only now I think I understand remarkable continuity in your attitude with me and consistency  in your firm position. Thus I can direct myself and act better. I can now have more realistic views upon my true chances for success.

I am very grateful to you for that. Also I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart to permit me still some hope. The fact that you feel truly sorry for so huge differences you see and distances between us is an important signal. I am a lot like this caveman, primitive, surrounded with fire, that you can see in my Yahoo! profile. I am a very solitary man, like a wolf chasing out of the pack. I became this savage man: this is not natural for me to find and  try to nourish alliances. (To me our relationship is the great exception!)

That is why it is difficult for me to express my love, and this is also because of this I am so alone, as a result. But this solitary man is like a very deep well.  When thrown a stone it’s hard to hear the sound, but still there is deep resonances. I have sometimes access to wealth of knowledge, important sources of wisdom and even contact with massive energies. But you have those talents too.

Just for a recent example: I felt, before my midnight, the night before,  while in bed, an electrical stimulation in the back of my neck and head, accompanied with general good feeling all over the body: it felt like a caress and I immediately knew this was you, thinking of me with tenderness, expressing in this spiritual gesture your love, I know, that remains somewhere. In this I think we can share. Those are deep roots of the souls.  Even more than universal values we are supposed to share also.

I will always try for love with you, this is no big news. But I will try better, more delicate and gentle manners, more subtle  ways maybe and not to harass you. And a true metamorphosis process must take his due period in time. You understood well that this is very important to me, chances for growing this dignifying meaning in my life brought in this connection with you. I still believe that the outcome is unpredictable. I will not be desperate but I can not cease to love you. Impossible, not just like this. So, here and now, I bend before you, to your naked feet and I wash them with my
tears. A bit salty, not cheesy.


P.S.: I will continue from time to time to post here diverse infos, not expecting always your comments. Only when you wish, when interested or moved. Those materials will be merely signals indicating occupations and works (often in French). Most important part of this learning and changing process having to take place outside this medium, in real life.

YJ

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One Comment leave one →
  1. 26 mars 2010 10 h 58 min

    Why we refrain from sweet exchange?

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