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First blood

23 février 2010
Viviane, Marie, Linda, Yezi… in my soul elixir of women are mixing. My head is turning, waves of sorrow make me drown. Why never Eden of serene Love ?

I did not still completely wasted my life. Epiphany is still possible. But I found myself many times in that similar kind of crossroad. Never exactly the same, never so much different… What is very different now ?

(Now is it time (or never) to chose between life and death ? I became  increasingly defiant over the years with that style of clear cut and absolute questions. Logic of "Everything or nothing" is very dangerous for practical life and wisdom has to be found  here with consideration of important nuances. Idealistic attitude is often big part of the problem.)

I must share her agony. I have to suffer thousand grieves, burning inside and outside, electric chair and starving, chopping by blade in tiniest time that appears eternity                for rebirth like the Phoenix            maybe

for this unsustainable impossibility to be : like quiet, paused, serious, happy…

Happiness… What is it and how could this be possible ? I do not have feeling of great accomplishment. In this respect my life is empty. My power seems the greatest in terms of refusal. No power in the world can force me to do something I do not want, I do not expressly chose to do. But this is only the negative side of liberty. Positive would be successful creativity and action for solidarity. In these I made just a bit, not much.

Given this situation, the state of affairs in the world, I do not understand people who are continuously and completely happy. I think sometimes they must be, –if they truly exist!– not so good people. Because in this world of so much suffering and aggression, there must be a solid dose of indifference by selfishness and despise for people in need with those (lucky ones?) that do not share burden of general humanity. But some maybe are able to secure a responsible and tense form of happiness in helping other people and they find firm justification that way. Those are saints, and their happiness is supernatural.

There are moments of intense happiness, though. They come from some pleasures, with days in sunshine, sensations from the body, meals, metabolic functions but more, in contemplation of  events and beings in aesthetics fields, ideas and meanings portrayed and created worlds by arts, literature and music I love.

Contemplation in deep nights of poetical trouble… how can this come
clear ? The difficulty is to share… yes, how to share those extreme
experiences ? Arts permit that, for a moment, within the audience.


Excellent image I have just now before my very eyes is illustration of bliss and happiness between man and woman : this is Ontarian couple dancing on this adagietto from the 5th symphony by Mahler. For one moment we feel that perfection in fulfillment is possible : we have seen it realized. Yes, golden performance! The moment of the kiss just after hard "porté", when the man is  gliding but yet firm support to cutting blade of woman of stunning beauty… Emotion beyond words… Image perfect, for one time, of great, no, grandiose success.

So it happens… sometimes perfection is possible ! Wow ! Soul salivates. This is no caress, this is no sex : this is pure expression : perfect dance of perfect love : synchronization and accord so close like real fusion between perfectly realized woman and man. Gliding over aspects of material world. For so much Grace, thank You God !

But me, how can I share my innermost feelings with people, even persons I love, sometimes very close to me ? There is always a reserve, even very little sometimes, but… some part of me that remains hidden. Only God can see… Can He ? … And can I ? …

I am not the only one like this. This is the fate of very complex persons, that have multiple existence in their guts, mixed with all liquors, arousal to unresolved trouble. Am I for real with people ? I don’t know. I didn’t learned to have intense pleasure with other persons. It seems that my pleasures remain solitaries…

Closest I had, something very important at first shared with you. Was this only  a shared illusion ? Not always, no, I don’t think so. There was a core at moments, a point I want to revisit often, but immaterial, like unproved. A hint of what remains or would have been possible (to realize!) in a better world with a better me and a better you.

Yezi, maybe I am not fit to be happy.

But I think I am fit to espouse your passion : sacrifice, suffering, revolt, anger, relentless quest for absolute

what can happen, now ?

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2 commentaires leave one →
  1. LEAVES permalink
    24 février 2010 10 h 48 min

    1) I think maybe you just fall in love with your fantasm,you put all of your dream and imagine on me.but, in fact ,I am not the woman like you want to and think about .In so many aspect,we are so difference ,At least my sense tell me that…..2)For my opinon ,if someone who put all of life passion to love ,when love become the only thing in his life ,it would be difficult to be happy.3)life is wide,I never think my happiness just because have love with right man or not.This is just a part of life.So ,I hope you can have your life goal and do what you need to do and have to do ,you will find and enjoy happiness from your work for your plan and goal .

  2. 24 février 2010 22 h 06 min

    Dear,I feel I can not fulfill my dreams without the help from your love. But this is not just about feelings.I am an individual and you do not know much of that in China –for very complex situation and culture and reasons (yes, I progressively understand better that), but this is not just about that : romantic feelings or not. I know you are special. I will always love you and I fear you will never again say you love me (oh! that was holy times!!!). I guess your feeling changed when you thought about my confession, in Skype live talking, to you about sorrowful, never proud, addiction on image sex.But you stress about differences, and yes, there are many. But me, I insist about bridges and common interests in universal values, and you can\’t deny this is core of your struggle.So… I can elaborate much, but just here, it is WILL questioned.your J.

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