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Again ? — Letter of intent

8 février 2010
Snowflakes are dancing again at my window. Yes, we are tossed into void and tumbling. Some snowflake touch another and at least they are two while falling…

This is what I wrote in a little booklet while I was outside. I will rewrite this text here, and then finish with a brief comment.

My Dear Yezi,

I really love to write to you and since I know, because you told me in last phone call, that you love to read, when it is good and well written, my pleasure is increased. I want to tell you first that I am very grateful that you give me good clues and clear answers when I feel puzzled by your subtleties, but even more I thank you deeply for letting me to know the true situation in your heart and explaining to me some part of your thinking. This may be hard to take, sometimes, like recently or around the 20th, 21th of December (last year!), at first, but then, I can adjust and try to find new ways to improve or just try to continue with our relationship. I will not hide to you that sometimes I feel despair.

I must admit, though, that you already gave me a lot ! You brought to me many interesting things, problems, feelings, questions and details, and your overall influence on recent evolution in my life is major, but you already know that. I feel that I already owe you a lot even just for that. I do not want this process  to stop : this is a learning process, at least for me, and I hope this can bring some good things to you also. I try hard to give to you the best I can, and if I did not succeeded in seducing you for absolute passion, if I failed to "touch your soul" as you said, well –okay, this was really hard to hear, but at the moment you said that I knew you were right, and that this was not to play cruel game with me to cause me grieve. But good news is this is not over! and I think there is still a lot to come.

Dear Yezi, do you mean if I write a bit about my plans or projects ? First, I plan to write this novel I told you about in autumn : "A country for strangers"… I guess you will encourage me to become finally a recognized writer and I can achieve this only by means of publication. Thus, I have to write seriously, first, and in French. So, realistically, I do not plan to move from my place this year. This is important year to settle in new place with better conditions and this will be good basis for more freedom in future. So, conversely, I can not fairly ask you to come to see me and if you have other plans for your vacation, I won’t mind. Of course, I would be thrilled if you decide to come to me!, but I have decided, considering turning of events and the coldness in your heart, that I have not the right, for now, to put pressure on you for this.

But I do not renounce the goal of freeing me enough to become able to accompany you, if you wish, in your travels in hopefully not too distant future. So, during this year, I will also continue to study China, language, history and culture. Since I know you I read more than 100 books related to this large field of study. Five days ago in two public libraries I still borrowed 20 more. Various topics and point of view.

I know life is very hard in China and this is why you are not very indulgent with feelings. I am not naive about lack of love there, men are not shaped, formed, educated and programmed to learn to love women and there is a lot of women in this giant prison seeking love abroad. I know there is a lot of capital punishment and that executed leave their body to be cut for organs to transplant : this is image of a very cruel business, brings wealth to some statesmen, doctors, brokers in this "market".

With this very harsh background, I do not expect you will pity me for my distress in some love story. And because I also know you do not fully approve my lifestyle I know I must not expect from you enormous sympathy. Still you have mine and more!… if you want. Thus, I will try to discipline my writing and also to improve many aspects you pointed to me that are in need in my present life. To live more regular and healthy habits, to think more and act for others, to participate and take a better share and place in this society. And first, to enjoy present time, experience ! NOW is everything ! If I do some good, I am almost sure future will be bright.

For those points on which we do not agree, I see that with patience we can learn and understand better each other and that those will be some interesting discussions, for you also, my dear. Because you are not perfect ! I do not agree, for example, that I can not understand Chinese culture, and that you can not understand French or other western culture, just because I am not a Chinese and just because you are fixed with those roots.

This is precisely the power of literature to suggest feelings so strongly sometimes, when writing is well done, powerful sometimes, that we can share major and deep intuitions. Even for poetry, yes, not rigorously translatable, but having this in mind, approaching original image, from more than one direction maybe, and we can share original image and deep intuition in feelings. Poetry is about human emotions and even Chinese poets are humans, sometimes, I guess… Also I do not agree upon your political insensibility on French language (Marcel Proust, Stéphane Mallarmé, Arthur Rimbaud!, Albert Camus, Jean-Paul Sartre, Jacques Derrida, Alain Badiou, Michel Henry) but what can I do about that… and many other things !

I want you to be happy. I would like very much to make this a goal and a priority for me. That is why I urge you to let me know what you think I can do for you. I need your guidance and when you will avoid me or scarcely talk with me, our relationship will cool down and be at risk to cease. But you need time and liberty to think. To search for new love, maybe ? I remain very sad you think I am not fit to you. But I seem to lack energy to try to convince you again. Since you avoid live contact, intensity will fade of. Love can not be only from thinking in the head. Brain calculate odds, they are not in favor of love. We are becoming like snowflakes.

So be it ! Alas. Bye for now. I wish to You happy New Year for Lovers and wild inspiration from the dragon ! I will continue my yoga.

Your enduring Jacques

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2 commentaires leave one →
  1. LEAVES permalink
    8 février 2010 9 h 42 min

    Dear Jacques,First ,thank you for your so sincere letter.And but I am sorry that I can\’t reply it with enough more words now ,because it is not easy for me to reply your long letter and express my thinking clearly with English,it have to take me enough time…..So,I will write in tomrrow or after tomrrow……I am very glad to know you will do your plan continue and I think it is very important thing for your life .When people have plan to do ,he will be happy. Working for plan makes life beautiful !

  2. 9 février 2010 3 h 02 min

    Thank you for quick reaction. We also can be slow but steady. You see, intricate reality is the main problem with ideal love. I want to be with you, looking, seeing, touching and caressing you, but the entire mass of this planet is between, I never had a chance to be dismissed, and I should even more wait to live or die ! Sorry but I think something is very wrong here. Dono exactly what. Pure is death.

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