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Influence (the switch)

8 janvier 2010
For I would like to do this better,
take the time to write a nice text with good preparation on sound form
to present ideas with some strength, but I have the feeling that if I
wait a long time before publishing an entry on this blog, we risk to
lose contact because you will not comment on pending issues, you will
not be proactive to reinitiate contact : you essentially wait to react
on what I propose to you. You have other things to attend to, topics to think, situations to deal with… and so on.

So here I just want to report this situation : I find you have a very big influence on my mood.

For example, recently, reacting to my sex problem, with admirable compassion, you proposed a challenging solution. So quickly, I responded with a surge of energy to inquire on practical possibility to rise up to this challenge and I felt on the action side… But the day after, just after seeing first results and comments about this investigation, you turned down the suggestion, at same time letting to think that you cast a serious doubt about the whole situation, this relationship long term forecast.

For me, after a first reaction to find arguments and try to discuss this with you, this led to a complete let down. Almost at the minute my active energy was completely wiped out. As if you had found my motivation switch, like if you exercised the power to set this switch from "on" position, to "off", exactly like on a machine…But here, see, this machine is my psychic, the working tools of my mind, so all this is an important part of my self. Don’t you see this is a bit frightening!

With your changing heart, I find you are a very difficult person to Love ! But I can not think to any other person to Love like that ! So I have to find a way to adapt more swiftly and raise some defense to be able to resist your changing moods. It is very important for me to keep good perspective for general outcome of all this. If the switch of hope is turned down, "off" to despair, I tend to feel more deeply my solitude, like lost in this harsh indifferent universe. And I feel deep sorrow, even paralyzing to me, like all goals and projects suspended, meaning of whole life in the line.

Because you change mood and explore ideas swiftly, before deciding finally upon one (important) issue, I must learn to protect my self, observing some reserve maybe. But it is difficult to adapt, because you seem to be a so serious and disciplined person, it is very hard to see you change your mind so easily . Hard on my ego and self esteem to realize you can renounce our love and wipe me out from existence in your heart so fast.

And this social standing issue : sometimes you seem to accept me as a wise marginal (a bit like Zhouangzi) that can be taken seriously, but quickly comes back this other part of you, you call realist, that looks at comparison and social standing and defend your lifestyle, privilege dearly earned, against limitations you see coming from me.

But you are also this same person that criticize this mind set that became widely dominant in your culture as in others, now (that is the point) when you ask "who still pay attention to values from the Sky ?" So I understand that questions you ask in your blog apply sometimes to yourself, the other part of you that the Sibyl challenges with his thoughts and sibylline questions. I know this is not easy questions : motivations and decisions about future, engaging values and ultimately meaning of all this, situations in material world but from the Life perspective.

Conclusion of course is I have to become stronger, enough to develop like imperturbably my own projects, hoping to continue aiming to you. But would you like this if I become more independent and have to renounce to pretend to your Love ? You see I have long term depressive tendencies, that brought me out teaching and nearly all social and official life. To go out this crater and restart to climb the mountain, I need help from chain of Love.

You know, lots of writers are like that : they see the world with frightening lucid eyes. They need additional motivation to tackle the problem to invent a form that is victorious upon all this nonsense. I am there, my Love, just there, at the threshold, and you also, I think, in part, as a writer. But Love is for whole life, not only writer’s part.

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